wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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