It's Friday. Sex?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
