his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
