i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
