My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
