A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
