i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you never un-have a 4some
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
