So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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