just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
