Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
