can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Randomize
