We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
