woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
