I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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