God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
