I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
