I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
