How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Randomize
