I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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