He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
