Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
