nut hugger
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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