upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize