i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
