I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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