y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
