It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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