So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
