Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
