Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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