There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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