"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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