Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
