omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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