Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
