I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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