I looked at my own cervix.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
