I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
