my vag is so smooth its legendary
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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