Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
