I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
