i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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