no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
