There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
