turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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