he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize