oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
