You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
