Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
