No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
