I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
