my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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