someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
