you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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