You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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