it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
