Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
