Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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