I could make wine with my vomit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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