does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize