Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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